The real struggle of finding and keeping female friendships (for singles & non-singles)

There is a preconceived cultural notion that nothing on this earth comes easier to women (and in multiples) than female friendships. 

But past college, when you’re single and everyone else’s lives seem to be catapulting forward with new additions, new relationships, and new experiences, relating to the same people isn’t always possible. Most all relationships begin to change and shift.

Close friendships are supposed to be your saving grace, particularly when you’re single. But female friendships are complex, as are most of us females. (Shocking, no?) So unless you fall into this culturally assumed norm, you likely only have so many steady relationships you can rely on to fully get you.

Whether single or married, female friendships have never been the most natural thing for me to navigate - not by a long shot. Having spent the majority of my adult life single and now just over a year into marriage, there are many realities of friendships during singleness that I want to make sure I never forget. So excuse me as I draft out this mental note-to-self.

For those of you who are 100% go-with-the-flow, completely non-analytical, who never second-guess the words that come out of your mouth and are utterly secure in your skin, you might just want to stop here because this article may in no way resonate with you. 

Female friendships have never come easy to me. Sure I enjoy girly things. I like a good weekly mask as much as the next girl, can get preoccupied over trivial things like the perfect lip color, and new clothes are my nemesis. 

But I am far from what I’d consider being a girly girl. I’ve never watched Gossip Girl or Gilmore Girls (nor do I ever care to. I’ve never been able to bring myself to verbally abbreviate words. I despise workout groups and am most strongly introverted when it comes to my fitness routines. And I still can’t take a selfie without audibly making fun of myself. 

Still, female friendships are just as vital for me as the next girl. Of course, platonic friendships are a vital need for us all throughout life. There is a different kind of need for them when you’re single. 

Romantic or not - relationships can be complicated.  Because, as humans, we’re all complicated.

When I was single I probably was in self-denial and worked hard to be deeply content as an introvert independent. Sometimes it was pure laziness. Sometimes loneliness was just easier. 

Before I was ever in a very steady relationship (because any “steady relationships” managed to be fleeting for me), my days appeared incredibly free. Beyond some isanely consuming, neurotic and overbearing work experiences, I could do what I want, eat what I want, and watch what I want without a discussion about it with anyone. There was no one else to consider in how I spent my time. Yet “free” was often a far stretch from my perspective on it.

Nights out with the girls, or just having a friend over for a movie and Talenti’s Gelato, ring more clear in my memory than any boyfriend, lame date, or a potential guy I had my eyes set on. When you find the right friendships they are a respite, the breathing room through most any season of life. But when you’re navigating life every day on your own, that respite brings a different kind of needed air to your lungs as much as you may be in denial of it.

I would often have months where nearly every weekend plan seemed to be canceled or friends forgot they had a date night with their husbands. So you get used to not depending on people. But it doesn’t matter how introverted you claim to be, how career-focused you are, or how content you are being single, these moments can just serve as a reminder that you aren’t a priority on anyone’s list. And it can take a toll on you.

There is a kind of armor some single females feel they are expected to wear, more so as an expectation of themselves than anyone else’s. And through the difficulty of maintaining friendships that guard can easily thicken and become more stagnant because it’s always easier to keep it up rather than let it down. But even if it’s more work, heartache (yes, female friendships can still lead to heartache), and emotional exhaustion, just let it down.

It is difficult to accept the reality that all of your dating or married friends have several people in their life to prioritize over you, or so it seems. It is often how it can feel.

And it is really easy to forget what it is like to be single once you’re married. It is easy to forget how overlooked you can feel and how much your soul and psyche could use those few hours to open up, laugh, and reset. 

Female relationships can be complicated. And as much as I despise saying it when you get married life inevitably gets more complicated. But I hope it never gets so complicated that I’ll forget what was like before I was married.