The many holes in Christian standards of dating

Sometimes when you address seasons that you have passed by in life, you can just be speaking out of turn. 

When I was single I’d often roll my eyes, passing muted judgment on any married woman who tried to speak to where I was in life. (As if anyone gets it when they’re not in it, right?) Particularly when she had married well before my age and had the luxury of bypassing a dating world that felt never-ending, it was difficult to take it all in. 

Because, past a certain point of singleness, I recognize you don’t really care to hear what everyone has to say.

Yet here I am, one and a half years into marriage, speaking out of turn…

There seems to be so much pressure for Christian females to have to date a certain way, which honestly boggles my mind, considering I was facing this some fifteen years ago.

With today’s feminist culture, post-I-am-woman-hear-me-roar stage (because nowadays we have things to do and don’t have time to waste our roars), I would’ve thought things would have drastically changed for single Christian women by now. 

But, they haven’t. 

Christian culture’s standards of dating can be so restricting, so formulated, so prescribed, so serious, that it can feel downright crippling at times. And, sure it is serious. You’re looking for the one - the individual you want to spend the rest of your life with. Believe me, I get it. This is serious business. 

The funny thing is, the serious business of Christian dating guidelines are often set and promoted by individuals who married straight out of college, dated decades away from the average age of marriage for a female being 31, or somehow seem to be deflecting their past regrets on your value system. 

The expectations are many. And for many single Christian women, we welcome them. We admire them. We work to live by them. But they are no short order.

You are expected to view dating as courting, and not... dating. (This is a serious matter, no tomfoolery here.)

You are expected to keep your hands to yourself and wait. (And yes, I know. Waiting is no fun. I don’t condone it. But, let’s just say you can read more of my thoughts on this taboo topic here and there.

You are expected to have high expectations. (But really, is that hard for any of us girls raised in the rom-com era?)

You are expected to be selective. (Which, hi - married at 35 - never came too difficult for me.)

And you are expected to navigate relationships with grace, decisiveness, and reservation, all the while remaining completely confident of who you are as a young woman in Christ.

These expectations are fairly high. But they’ve been normalized by our Christian culture to be, well, expected.

And these were often the expectations I placed on myself and had come to believe were most virtuous and, somehow, would more quickly and magically lead me to the jackpot in a more timely fashion. (Although I did eventually hit the jackpot - just a lot later.) Funny enough, my standards in the wake of purity culture were quite contrary to my parents, who encouraged me to get out and have a little fun while I was often set on waiting for the real deal.

Trying to maintain any sanity within a modern Christian approach to dating can already make one feel like you're entering psychosis. Add to that a pandemic and I can only imagine the confusion and frustration that ensues. (It’s one thing pre-COVID to date a stranger or get set up on a blind date. But these days the thought “what if we end up making out and he has COVID?” must cross the minds of many.)

I don’t think it was until I was in my late twenties that I accepted I could enjoy myself dating even when it clearly wasn’t meant to go anywhere. (Granted, family members and friends may vouch differently for all the times I was losing my God-given mind dating and not dating.)

The dating world for Christians today can look more like a marriage arrangement or cherished Amish tradition compared to how our parents dated in the ’70s and ’80s, back when double dates were a weekly occurrence and our moms asked out our dads for the first date. (Yeah, that really did happen.) As a whole, dating in previous decades, prior to any established Christian standard of dating, was more casual, more simple, more relaxed, more (dare I say) fun. 

Have we forgotten that dating is supposed to be fun?

I know, some of you are thinking, “But Kristin, you don't get it. Dating guys who aren’t the one is only disappointing, disheartening, and exhausting. Dating guys who don’t match my prayer list of what I’m waiting for is a waste of time.”

But is it? 

I know, when your heart is in it, it can disappointing, disheartening and exhausting - and deeply so. But the expectation to wait, and not date until you find the one can be paralyzing, causing you to fear even going out a few times with someone who doesn’t line up entirely to your ideal.

I'm in no way suggesting you lower your expectations, let go of hope or lose sight of the qualities you have prayed and waited for. But maybe you can shift your perspective on what it can mean to date.

Then again maybe there are some of you that recognize you’re not going to find your husband the next date after you graduate, the date after your younger sister’s wedding, or the date following break-up number seven. Maybe there are more of you who are up for meeting new guys for the sake of meeting new people, having a good laugh, expanding your world a bit, or even getting a free meal (God forbid). I could be totally off. And if that’s the case, props to you. 

In our Christian culture as a whole, many of us expect God’s best and we expect it rather quickly. We can be a little self-entitled and just want to get what we have coming to us. (All I can think of after that is Sally Brown from Charlie Brown’s Christmas, saying “All I want is what I have coming to me. All I want is my fair share.”) This not only builds us up with expectations through the roof but creates anticipation to want it now, expect it now - get a little lazy - and in some cases, demand it now. (This widespread Christian self-entitlement has infiltrated across the board in the pastorate, within Christian organizational leaders and figures to be a detrimental trait reflected in our faith. But that is a very different conversation for a very different day.)

Unbeknownst to the Christian standards of dating, just because you are a Christian out there dating doesn’t mean the next date has to potentially be the one. Who you date doesn’t have to be confined to a list of traits you are pining and praying for. Dating the not-right person can be fun. (And no, I don’t mean that kind of fun. 😉 But do what you will.) 

So, if you’re feeling a tad psychotic dating these days, take a breather. Give yourself a break. Take off the unnecessary pressure of only dating the guys who fit the bill and let go of the unrelenting notion that each meal out with a man has to be a walk on eggshells, and let yourself just date. 

When you are single, no matter how long it takes to meet that one, I think God truly wants you to enjoy yourself along the way. Because if there was supposed to be one perfect way of dating, there must be a reason God chose not to write the book on it.